Thursday, July 24, 2014

Gripping Fear

This morning on my run, as I was plagued by a particular fear, I felt God saying to me.. - If you don't trust me with your marriage, what are you truly trusting me with?

It's true.  For years and years I have struggled and dealt with the fear of infidelity.  This is probably a surprise to anyone who knows my husband.  He is the most loving and trustworthy person I know.  He would never, ever, ever, not in a million years think of cheating on me.  He loves me and dotes over me.  He tells me day after day that I'm the only girl for him, and he goes out of his way to keep himself in an honorable position in all relationships.  Almost to the point of being awkward and rude to the opposite sex.  But this fear is deeper than my trust for him.

The fear is there anyway.  I tell myself that I'm wounded, I'm scarred, I have trust issues.  I tell myself that people do it all the time, that they can't help it.  That Satan will use any situation to attack a Christian and make them fall.  I say that I'm not worried about him, I'm worried about everyone else. That if it can happen to so-and-so it can happen to us.

Each time I hear of a spouse fall it cripples me.  I stay awake at night and mourn for their family, I cry for their children, and then fear takes a deeper place inside of me.  Each shocking surprise is like a blow to my spirit.  Any progress I've made in trust is depleted in that moment.  It takes me back to my own hurts and wounds that have scarred my heart.  It takes me back to a place where I hurt the most and was betrayed by loved ones. A place where you feel like someone doesn't love you enough not to do that to you..where you believe the lie that you are not enough.  A place where you make excuses for people and lies to cover the embarrassment of what's happened.

I don't know if it's the stage of life we are in, our age, or just the moral decline of people, but it's like a constant drip.  All of the time I'm learning of infidelity all around us.  Seven recent situations come to mind immediately...SEVEN!  I also have this weird ability to know ahead of time that something is going on that shouldn't be.  In three situations recently I have gone to Dallas with concern about a couple and prayed for them, only to find out months or a year later that my concern was valid.  I don't know if it's discernment or just complete cynicism, but it's there.

My husband instantly panics and knows where my mind goes when we learn of these things.  It makes me so sad for him.  What must it be like to live honestly, love your wife and experience so little trust from her?  At what point does he just think, 'well she already thinks I'll do it?' More fear. I keep thinking with more time the trust will grow. But it doesn't. It hasn't. I've always thought people who use the adage, 'You trust someone until they give you a reason not to' are crazy.  They are the ones getting cheated on. But in all honesty, I'm the crazy one.

On my run this morning when I heard, "If you don't trust me with your marriage, what are you truly trusting me with?", it resonated in my heart that it's not that I'm only distrusting Dallas, but I'm not trusting God.  I'm counting on man, and man alone will let you down. We are human. We fail. We disappoint. We make huge mistakes.  My trust truly needs to be in the one who holds all things.  The one who gave my husband to me in the first place.

I'm tired of living in fear.

So today, once and for all, after 14 years of togetherness, I give this fear to the Lord.  I trust him with my heart, with my life, with my kids and with my spouse.  I trust that He alone will guard our hearts and go before us in every relationship and situation.  I trust that He knows us best, and that he sees the pure desires of our hearts to only love one another in such a special way.

Thank you Lord for your sweet, still voice.

I Love us.